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Sunday, 9 August 2015

It's Unconventional!



Chapter 1.
 Realizations..

A rain soaked day; a day longed for, during sultry summers in a city like delhi; a cup of coffee, a plate full of non-healthy junk food, a healthy mind and a couch…the perfect Sunday morning that was much more than what Mithi asked for. As she sat on the couch, with elan, in her “most relaxing place”, her balcony, her eyes gazing at the rain soaked streets and the people drenched in the rain, her eyes didn’t reflect the exhilaration of the morning. They looked terribly sad. There was a longing, a pain in them.
She knew, deep in her heart, that she has to face it today. This is the day that she avoids, she fears, she wants to run away from. This is the day that she wishes “kaash life mein UNDO button hota”. This is the day her traditional and societal values, her sense of duty, her womanhood, her very being and identity of a married woman , all fall weak in front of her actual identity, Mithi. Her all fights to hide and suppress the feeling of “who she actually is and what she actually wants” which were all nicely wrapped with translucent layers of duties and value systems, gifted by the hypocrisy and double standards of the society, become bare and naked. They seem to be ugly thoughts. It was nature’s conspiracy when the raindrops outside washed out all those layers from her mind and heart. Yes, this is the day when your heart overpowers your brain. This is the day, Mithi feels weak in her knees; she feels that everything in her life is so right yet something is so terribly wrong. She feels that she is wronged. She knows she is spot on.
As the feelings took over, she gave in. She wanted to give in. She was losing the grip on herself. Those unconventional realizations of materialistic world versus emotional needs started growing. She asked herself “merely signing a paper, exchanging vows witnessed by hundreds of people, can’t enforce bonding, emotional connection or understanding? It just finds you a subject with whom you can think of finding the above or rather “exercising” them as today’s smart people put it! And what if the bonding that you were trying so hard to stitch with all your emotions, loves and sacrifices turn out to be a “house of cards”? What if the very feeling “love” escapes out of the so called relationship? What if you get gradually tired of the relationship, the turmoil associated with it, but the bitterness, ignorance, misunderstandings and misinterpretations keep growing, instead of fading away? Doesn’t the value system of “just holding on” for the sake of society evokes a feeling like “I will never do that even if it’s the last thing on earth to survive”? Does it actually serve the purpose to put it on the “life support” till time ends, although “emotionally” the relationship is dead?” All these doubts in her mind spoke volumes about her relationship and her current emotional state of mind.
She was not getting the answers so easily! After all, she took four years to gather the most awaited and long forgotten courage and boldness, which were synonymous to her very being at some point of her life, to question her current state of life, her relationship with Arya, and her identity. She hated it when somebody used to address her as Mrs. Sen; she never probed into it to find out the reason why! But today is the day that she probably knows why! To her, the vermilion powder doesn’t mean that she is taken but it symbolizes her emotional attachment to the person in her life and thus her non-availability to any other guy. But what if that foundation is defied?

At least she finally questioned, deep down. She was not just literate but educated enough to understand, that to find answers in life, you first need to formulate the right questions. And she did that today. She just hopes she doesn’t take another four years to find the answers, to find a direction in her life and to take a decision. Although she was on the verge of finishing her “gigantic mug of coffee”, it failed to dissolve the lump in her throat!

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